Malia & Sasha are BFFS — Their Parents’ Dream
The original headline I saw for the yesterday’s viral video of Malia and Sasha Obama at LAX Airport focused on Sasha’s generosity in picking her sister up instead of having her take an UBER. The article went on to say that’s what most natives do given the heavy traffic L.A. is known for. The hype has now turned to what I had homed in on immediately — the girls’ happily chanting and dancing upon seeing each other. For me, such a display was manifestation of every parent’s dream. That their children would be genuine friends. I don’t mean just getting along because it’s the right thing to do. I don’t even mean simply loving each other, because we parents preach that they must do that as well. I’m talking about showing up, helping each other, enjoying each other’s company; genuinely treasuring each other just because they truly want to. This can’t be forced by any parents. Not even if you live in the White House.
In my work, I’ve heard parents lament that their children seem to ‘hate’ each other or ‘fight like cats and dogs’. A certain amount of rivalry and competition from time to time might rear its head, and can be ok as long as it doesn’t turn rabid. Yet some parents rush in zealously to head it off at the pass by telling their children how they should feel about each other, acting as judge or referee in all of their squabbles, or compelling one child to tolerate or capitulate in order to placate the other(s). Parents mean well, but these quick fixes can create long-term fissures in their children’s relationships with each other down the line. Thankfully, there are a few things parents can do to facilitate friendships between their children even if they can’t force them.
Establish a culture of respect. Respect should be non-negotiable, even in the face of disagreement. In word and deed, children should be taught they can not willfully diminish their siblings to get their own way. Teaching them to operate in respect will go a long way to help them develop empathy and remember that everyone deserves their dignity.
Encourage them to talk about their feelings. Guide them in understanding their feelings and putting words to them. Their feelings serve as their barometer, a vital instrument for them to process their circumstances. Don’t try to talk them out of them, but guide them in thinking about what they can respectfully do to address them.
Give them conflict resolution skills. When they are very young, without the benefit of sound reasoning skills, verbalize your actions as you respond to meltdowns and mayhem. As their verbal and cognitive skills advance, create a forum in which you can begin to turn over more of the dialogue to your children, so they can learn to create resolutions for their problems.
Teach them to work as a team. Have them join forces on household jobs or special projects. Show them how to plan, assign responsibilities, etc. When the task is done, debrief to highlight what worked and what needs improvement. This would also be a great time to encourage their making compliments and giving advice to each other. Get them used to striving together, and hopefully, enjoying it.
Dream as a family. Spend time sharing your dreams and aspirations as a family. Friends cheer each other on. Once you all know what’s in each other’s hearts, you know how to help, how to pray, how to encourage, etc. Suggestions, words of support, and ideas for how to help will occur to you just because you’ve been given a guide. It’s just another facet for your children to add to the discovery of their multidimensional siblings.
Feel the wins and losses; TOGETHER. Celebrate the victories to model camaraderie for your children. Offer words of encouragement, with specific feedback describing the accomplishment. Acknowledge losses, with empathy, so as not to dismiss the importance or value your child placed on the endeavor. Even in the face of disappointment or loss, feedback and observations can be offered to recognize the effort. These are all words they can grow on.
In my book, Mother’s Work, I share the idea that the seeds of friendship are first sown at home. As parents, we start off loving our children pretty much before they even get here. The minute we know they’re coming, it’s ON! By watching us and listening to us, our children come to understand that they should love one another unconditionally. After all, we’re family. Going to that next level of intentional regard for each other is friendship at its core. It’s a choice. If your children make it? Well, that’s the dream!
